I miss you, Ma.

I grew up with my maternal grandmother. Mama became my roommate when I turned 12. It feels different having a lola at home: more secured, warm, and peaceful.

Nov 17 2006. I was not able to kiss goodbye to Mama because I was running late for my 7am class. I got home around 8pm. It felt different: cold and quiet. Nobody was talking to anybody at home. It was only my cousin who broke the silence.

“Ate, wala na ang Mama.”

I was not able to grasp those words. I went to Mama’s room, where we used to sleep together. She was not there.

I walked out of the house and looked for Dad. He hugged me and said, “Ganun talaga anak ang buhay ng tao.”

I run towards Mom and heard the same line, “Anak, wala na ang Mama.” She then hugged me tight.

It was only then that I noticed their puffy eyes.

Mama left us.

I don’t get it. I don’t know how to react.

We went to the funeral, and confirmed with my own eyes. Then I trembled.

Ma, it has been 8 years since you left us. But your memories will always be here in our hearts. I regret that I was not able to kiss you that day. I regret that I went home late and I was not able to mano on your last breath.

I thank God that He allowed me to experience the crucial part of growing up with a lola like you. I thank God because you left us peacefully.

I miss you. Your warm hug… and kisses. I miss the way you spoil us, because you only have us – – your 2 apos.

I miss your Bulacan-punto. I miss hearing your stories. I miss listening to your words. I miss checking your BP, while Racs helping you with your insulin. I miss our usual dine-in at Wendy’s for your favorite salad.

I remember you… being my shield from Mom’s anger. You were my savior from her nagging.

Here I am, the usual crammer. The usual me – nocturnal. Up late at night reviewing, reading, and preparing stuff for the next day.

Here I am, lying in my bed… in the same room where we used to sleep together.

But here I am now, I am slowly fulfilling your dreams for me. Finished college, bought a car, yuppie. Soon I’ll finish my post-graduate studies. Soon I’ll meet a good man and start my own family.

I miss you, Ma.

17 November 2014.

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