I am not yet ready.

Oftentimes, I rant about my desire to have a boyfriend. Hoping that one day, I’ll finally have HIM by my side… taking care of each other, complimenting one another.

It was only 2 nights ago when I realized that I am not yet ready.

I had a conversation with my long-time friend who is currently working overseas. Our friendship is like a switch – on-off; like a mental disorder – bipolar; like the sea tides – high-low; like a see-saw – up-down.

Our last update was way back December 2013. I don’t know what happened, but we had zero updates since then. I only found out thru my brother, that he already flew overseas. Duh! He didn’t even bother to say goodbye.

November 2014. As I was strolling along Greenhills (insert inside story here, haha), he came to my mind. I started the conversation. Then we get to update about our lives again – work, family, career, etc.

December 31, 2014. He suddenly reminded me of his promise that we’ll start dating if we still haven’t found our own partners by 2015. OHEEEEM. It was 6 years ago when he first told me that. Fast forward and it’s already 2015! And yes, I still don’t have a boyfriend. I got scared the moment he reminded me of that promise.

Little did people know that I had a boyfriend way way back which lasted for 5 years. I had so much pain from this failed relationship. And when I think about the feeling of being in a relationship once again, I trembled in fear.

Fear that I might experience the same pain I’ve been through. Fear that I may not give enough time to this person because I am too preoccupied from work, school, and familial duties. Fear that he’ll get to see my flaws. Fear that he’ll not meet the criteria I set for my future man / husband / family. Fear that we might argue at times. And so on, and so forth.

I came to realize that I shouldn’t be ranting about my desire to have a boyfriend, if I am not yet ready. It feels good not being committed into a relationship. I can freely do what I want to do, no mind-bugging quarrels, no crying moments, and no partner to think about. But it feels better when you have someone taking care of you…honestly, sweetly, faithfully, and securely loving you. Maybe I am not yet ready. Maybe I just miss the feeling of being taken care of by a special someone.

Cliché but I think it’s true, “It will come when you least expect it.” You can’t prepare for it, nor can’t be ready. It will just happen. Love isn’t something you can find by ranting about it. I read from a random post, “Believe, hope and pray for love. But do not put your life on hold just by waiting for love.”

Meet people. Have fun. Travel. Interact. Communicate. Grow. And when you finally meet the right one, you are definitely ready more than you can imagine. And yes, I need to remind myself of those words.

02 January 2015.

2 thoughts on “I am not yet ready.

  1. jojo tan says:

    Sometimes the problem lies in how our society dictates that women should be married at a certain age. Then there is the constant pressure coming from relatives asking when you will get married.

    Let me tell you the secret in order to have a relationship…..do not ask for it.

    I have learned from the past that if I set aside my wants, such as a girlfriend at that time, by virtue of being persistent, God will grant my desire but it may not be at the right time. So I have learned not to ask for a relationship and instead asked God to give me a woman who He believes is the right one for me and vice versa.

    I may have married in my late thirty but at least I married the woman whom I want to spend the rest of my life with.

    If you cannot learn to love yourself or your life by being alone, how else can you love yourself when you are with someone?

    What if you meet Mr. Right and later on found out his first name is Always? That would be one hell of a relationship.

    So who cares what society thinks?! Live your single life to the fullest by serving God and in His most perfect time, the one who will love you forever will come and on that day you will know for everything about you will change.

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