Out of my head

I was browsing through my old blog entries when I ended up to this post: Random me: the freakygra ambition.

I turned 27 this year. Thru God’s grace, I was able to finally finish my MA degree last May. It feels so good fulfilling your dreams, one step at a time.  There are soooo many thoughts in my head lately: Should I pursue teaching in the Academe? Should I pursue my license for RPm? Should I enroll for a Doctoral Program? Should I engage myself in activities not related in the field of Psychology, say Music or Culinary or Photography? Should I look for a better job?

I know God has greater plans for my life so I am praying and patiently waiting where He’ll lead me.

For now, I’ll stop ranting about love. I hope the Relapse entry below would be the last. I received an eye-opener message from a good friend after I posted that entry, hope he wouldn’t mind if I post it here? I’m pretty sure you will see this entry. “KJ”, Let me know if you want to take this down.

hello my little sister,
i feel you. been there in a somewhat one sided relationship from my past.
it wasn’t a very beautiful thing that i experienced but had no one to blame but myself.
if i were in your place, the only way for you to move on is to tell the person. however, would you be able to accept should he reject you? remember, the past couple of years that both of you have been together, and yet he doesn’t seem to notice you, there is a high probability that he is really just not interested with you. that may seem harsh but these are the words you needed to hear in order for you to have a grasp of reality and move on.
you are not holding on to something best for you. you are simply SETTLING FOR SECOND BEST, and you do not deserve that.
give yourself credit.
you are a beautiful and amazing woman. you have a great sense of humor and so much passionate about your ambitions.
would you throw those all away to someone who might not appreciate your true nature and the love that is bursting from your heart?
how long have you been waiting for the universe to show you a sign or just something to show that there is a slightest chance for love? have you been holding it in your hand ever so tightly for such a long period of time that your hand starts to bleed?
that is not love. that is pain and desperation.
learn to let go. time has come for you to confront him, tell him about your feelings, and if he rejects you, then cry. but this time, let that be the last and final chapter of this story.
tell me honestly, even if he accepts you, do you honestly believe that he is the one for you? do your goals in life match? is he into commitment? does he love God as much as your love for Him?

5 stages of grief (denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance)
denial
this is when you begin to deny your feelings for the guy, which obviously isn’t where you are at right now
anger
this is either geared towards yourself for acting stupid, or for the guy for being so dense and blind and just ignorant of your presence
bargaining
you begin to think, maybe i should wait for the right time? maybe i should ask for a sign? maybe i should just be happy loving him and ask nothing in return? sounds familiar? because this is where you are right now.
depression
this is where the ultimate confession has been made. all card are laid on the table. all your questions have been answered like does he love me? and he tells you straight in the face and says NO. you have arrived at a point that you pity yourself, you feel sad being rejected.
acceptance
finally, the best stage of all. accepting that there is more to life than finding the right man. you can shift your emotions and focus on other things. let go and let God do the work.

you know what? your feelings for this guy isn’t growing. it is your desperation that is growing. how can you consider this to be love when it hurts so much.
love is something that inspires you to be better. it isn’t just a feeling or a moment. it is supposed to change your life.
i apologize if my words hurt you. i do not like sugar coating them to make the other feel better.
but do remember….you deserve only the best in what life has to offer. do not settle for 2nd best just to have it.

poor analogy: i do not buy cheap lens. i buy nikon lens. they are expensive, i know but it will last me for such a long time. so what do i do? i save money in order to buy the best.

life application: you wait. believe me, setting for the wrong person is worse than having no one to share your love and life with.

do take care, my little sister.

There there. So from today onward, I’ll be better. If I’ll be having a relapse again, please paki batukan ako!

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication, it was hard to find

Don’t matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you’re sad then it’s time you spoke up too

Excerpt from Out Of My Head song by Fastball.

Protect my heart, Heavenly Father. Your love is better than anybody else’s.

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