I booked a Grab earlier today when I went to the venue of the hearing relative to the car accident I had last month. Kuya driver asked me what transpired & so I told him what happened. Road victim.
That’s the start. We’ve exchanged road experiences & life’s frustrations. Then he said, “Ganyan talaga ma’am. ‘Wag kang mapapagod sa buhay. Kapit lang. E kamusta ka? Kamusta ka ngayon?”
I can’t help but tears just fell off my eyes. That – “Kamusta ka?” – reached my heart.
Kuya driver may be a stranger but he reached what I’ve been hiding even with myself.
The only message I needed to hear to let me know that somebody’s out there – willing to ask how am I and is ready to listen with my rants, without biases and prejudice.
I am going through a lot right now. I haven’t been sharing to anyone my life’s issue which is going on for the past 6 months.
People who are relatively close to me may not notice it because as much as I can, I am containing my emotions. I don’t want other people to see me broken beyond repair. So every day, I wear my happy face & jolly personality to hide the pain in my heart.
But for all you know, I want to scream. I want to scream what’s in my mind & all the pains in my heart. But I can’t. I just can’t.
And it bothers me. It is killing me. I can figuratively feel the synapses from the neurotransmitters in my brain.
My irregular sleeping pattern worsen. My eating behavior changed. I usually eat a lot but lately, I can’t even finish a half cup of rice.
I work over time so I can easily find Mr. Sleep when I get home. But no. Frustrations attack me during the idle times of mornight.
I want to move out. I really want to. But my conscience is telling me otherwise.
Tonight marks the first week. It is painful. It is really painful. Relying on myself. Crying by myself.
15 April 2016.