Moving out.

…when that’s the only solution you can think to keep your sanity.

Everything is so painful.

Everything becomes meaningless.

You always think I’m the strong one.

Little did you know that I’m weak.

But I need to wear my strong mask because I know you both need my back.

You both need my listening ears.

You both need my unbiased reasons.

Little did you know that I, myself, also need someone who can listen to all the pains I’ve been & continuously receiving.

As much as I can wear my happy mask, I am doing it.

As much as I can bear with all these shit, I am doing it.

But please…can you hear me just once?

I spoke once.

But I got rejected.

I spoke once.

But you said, I need to give more patience & understanding.

I spoke once.

But I became the bad person.

I just want to scream my heart out!

But I cannot.

Because you said that I am more capable of being understanding.

Can’t I scream?

Then you’re pushing me/us to move out.

Cease fire?

Yesterday & today was quiet. I’m at ease but somewhat worried of what will happen next.

I feel like a real adult now. Or should I say, I now understand HOW to act & think like an ADULT.

21 April 2016. 1:08am

Day 10.

You wouldn’t know you are strong not until that’s the only thing you could do for your loved ones.

I can’t sleep because I need to watch her. Holding her hand, watching her sleep while tears rolling down in my face.

She’s been talking and crying in her sleep, uttering suppressed emotions. Only if I could take the pain and worries away from her. I will. I will. Just give me your worries so you could sleep at ease. I will take away all your pains.

18 April 2016. 5:43 am

Somebody help me!

I booked a Grab earlier today when I went to the venue of the hearing relative to the car accident I had last month. Kuya driver asked me what transpired & so I told him what happened. Road victim.

That’s the start. We’ve exchanged road experiences & life’s frustrations. Then he said, “Ganyan talaga ma’am. ‘Wag kang mapapagod sa buhay. Kapit lang. E kamusta ka? Kamusta ka ngayon?”

I can’t help but tears just fell off my eyes. That – “Kamusta ka?” – reached my heart.

Kuya driver may be a stranger but he reached what I’ve been hiding even with myself.

The only message I needed to hear to let me know that somebody’s out there – willing to ask how am I and is ready to listen with my rants, without biases and prejudice.

I am going through a lot right now. I haven’t been sharing to anyone my life’s issue which is going on for the past 6 months.

People who are relatively close to me may not notice it because as much as I can, I am containing my emotions. I don’t want other people to see me broken beyond repair. So every day, I wear my happy face & jolly personality to hide the pain in my heart.

But for all you know, I want to scream. I want to scream what’s in my mind & all the pains in my heart. But I can’t. I just can’t.

And it bothers me. It is killing me. I can figuratively feel the synapses from the neurotransmitters in my brain.

My irregular sleeping pattern worsen. My eating behavior changed. I usually eat a lot but lately, I can’t even finish a half cup of rice.

I work over time so I can easily find Mr. Sleep when I get home. But no. Frustrations attack me during the idle times of mornight.

I want to move out. I really want to. But my conscience is telling me otherwise.

Tonight marks the first week. It is painful. It is really painful. Relying on myself. Crying by myself.

15 April 2016.

OJT

It is when you share your passion & life’s experiences to the young ones. It feels so “Tita” HAHA!

Kidding aside, internship is one of the crucial stages of one’s career development. One step closer to the battle field. One step closer to reality. I usually tell our student interns that in the work setting, you have to be assertive not agressive; confident but not being too overfamiliar; passionate & driven but not workaholic; smart worker not a hard worker; and lastly, working without missing the fun.

Okay. Now I need to remind myself of these factors. I’m slowly losing some of them.

#ByGodsGraceIWillCarryOn 👊

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