Achievement unlocked!

If there’s one thing I want to happen in my life that I am very sure of, that is, I want to work in an academe.

6 years ago, I pursued post graduate studies with no particular reason. Maybe I just needed a distraction from a failed admiration, haha! (insert Oct 2011 resignation-story-here-of-bleep LOL)

In the course of studying, I came to realize that I enjoy sharing knowledge & experiences to my fellow graduate school students while facilitating different topics in the class. I love FGDs, simulations, realistic previews of different industries, and many more.

As much as I hate doing research, I enjoyed doing it because I was able to exercise my scientist-practitioner skills. And as much as I hate mathematics, I enjoyed it because statistics gave implication to my data. Equal footing. Fair enough.

I finally earned the degree 2 years ago & got my professional license in the field a year after.

And just recently, I started lecturing. Words can’t describe the exact level of happiness I am feeling. I am so enthusiastic that I was an hour earlier for my first class! Not to mention I came all the way from the other side of the metro. Talk about effort & excitement!

I have a straight 6-hour class, and gee, you need to have a lot of energy…. & voice. Nevertheless, the experience is fun, enjoyable, and fulfilling – – being able to impart knowledge to the young ones 🙂

Thank You Lord for another achievement unlocked! I am forever GRAteful!

09 March 2017.

Moving out.

…when that’s the only solution you can think to keep your sanity.

Everything is so painful.

Everything becomes meaningless.

You always think I’m the strong one.

Little did you know that I’m weak.

But I need to wear my strong mask because I know you both need my back.

You both need my listening ears.

You both need my unbiased reasons.

Little did you know that I, myself, also need someone who can listen to all the pains I’ve been & continuously receiving.

As much as I can wear my happy mask, I am doing it.

As much as I can bear with all these shit, I am doing it.

But please…can you hear me just once?

I spoke once.

But I got rejected.

I spoke once.

But you said, I need to give more patience & understanding.

I spoke once.

But I became the bad person.

I just want to scream my heart out!

But I cannot.

Because you said that I am more capable of being understanding.

Can’t I scream?

Then you’re pushing me/us to move out.

Cease fire?

Yesterday & today was quiet. I’m at ease but somewhat worried of what will happen next.

I feel like a real adult now. Or should I say, I now understand HOW to act & think like an ADULT.

21 April 2016. 1:08am

Stop.

When everything is so blurry; and all you have to do is to stop, wipe the tears from your eyes, and head on again driving. Sigh. I hate being alone like this. All my heartaches creeping in my head.

Day 10.

You wouldn’t know you are strong not until that’s the only thing you could do for your loved ones.

I can’t sleep because I need to watch her. Holding her hand, watching her sleep while tears rolling down in my face.

She’s been talking and crying in her sleep, uttering suppressed emotions. Only if I could take the pain and worries away from her. I will. I will. Just give me your worries so you could sleep at ease. I will take away all your pains.

18 April 2016. 5:43 am

Somebody help me!

I booked a Grab earlier today when I went to the venue of the hearing relative to the car accident I had last month. Kuya driver asked me what transpired & so I told him what happened. Road victim.

That’s the start. We’ve exchanged road experiences & life’s frustrations. Then he said, “Ganyan talaga ma’am. ‘Wag kang mapapagod sa buhay. Kapit lang. E kamusta ka? Kamusta ka ngayon?”

I can’t help but tears just fell off my eyes. That – “Kamusta ka?” – reached my heart.

Kuya driver may be a stranger but he reached what I’ve been hiding even with myself.

The only message I needed to hear to let me know that somebody’s out there – willing to ask how am I and is ready to listen with my rants, without biases and prejudice.

I am going through a lot right now. I haven’t been sharing to anyone my life’s issue which is going on for the past 6 months.

People who are relatively close to me may not notice it because as much as I can, I am containing my emotions. I don’t want other people to see me broken beyond repair. So every day, I wear my happy face & jolly personality to hide the pain in my heart.

But for all you know, I want to scream. I want to scream what’s in my mind & all the pains in my heart. But I can’t. I just can’t.

And it bothers me. It is killing me. I can figuratively feel the synapses from the neurotransmitters in my brain.

My irregular sleeping pattern worsen. My eating behavior changed. I usually eat a lot but lately, I can’t even finish a half cup of rice.

I work over time so I can easily find Mr. Sleep when I get home. But no. Frustrations attack me during the idle times of mornight.

I want to move out. I really want to. But my conscience is telling me otherwise.

Tonight marks the first week. It is painful. It is really painful. Relying on myself. Crying by myself.

15 April 2016.

Early 2016 thoughts.

“Anong new year’s resolution mo?”

That’s the usual start of conversation every new year. When my cousin asked me this question, I got caught off guard but was able to answer quickly. This is what I told her:

I don’t believe in new year’s resolution. Para kasing ang negative. You’re trying to correct what happened the past year. I have life goals instead – both short-term and long-term.

The path I have been working on since I entered graduate school last October 2011 was to finish my MA degree. I finally got the degree last May 2015.

For the coming years, I set new life goals. 

I will keep it private for now but I will definitely write an entry in the coming months. I’m taking it slowly.

For now, I’ll use my wordpress in sharing my daily experiences & in expressing my thoughts.

Adventures. Contentment. Success.

Hello 2016! #feelingpositive

Alone? Perhaps.

Cold night. Staring at the bright moon.

Alone? Perhaps.

We may not know the existence of each other now, but sooon we’ll together stare at the very same moon I am staring at now.

Tonight, I’ll just sip my favorite WM while watching people pass by.

  
There’s Bolt waiting for me, but we’re both waiting to fill in the passenger’s seat by somebody who shares the same passion I have.

Soon we’ll go road trips together.
I’ll drive until my feet hurts, then you’ll fill in the spot.

Soon we’ll hit the beach & bum ’til our eyes droop, haha!
You’ll be my strength in braving the deep waters.

Soon we’ll travel together and witness the wonders of the world.
We’ll both whisper our prayers praising His majestic creations.

Soon we’ll reach our own aspirations in life, helping each other to be better without sacrificing the commitment.
I’ll be your right hand & you’ll be my strength.

Soon we’ll have coffee together.
Enjoying our favorite drinks while chatting even the smallest non-sense!

Tonight, I am praying. Asking for God’s guidance in my life to where he’ll lead me. Asking Him to prepare my heart & soul, so that when I’ll finally meet you.. . I am ready.

Cold night. Staring at the bright moon.

Alone? Perhaps. Alone but happy : )

Passion vs. Disregard

Have your ever felt soooo passionate over something? You are driven to excel, perform better, and be efficient at all times.  No matter how difficult and how complex tasks may be, it doesn’t matter. You just simply love what you’re doing.

On one hand, you have a conditioned mind and heart in every-day-every-task-every-endeavor. But on the other hand, there are other external forces crashing that mind set: the people & the system.

Just like when you’re in a one-sided relationship and you exert more effort on dealing with the differences: you remain unnoticed.

Bad part? Your good characterics has been pushed aside. Yet every single flaw has been noticed.

Worse than that? They will consider more of other people’s point of view, feelings, and situation.

The worst part? Your passion is slowly being crippled by the feeling of disregard from those you expect to notice and understand you.

You begin to ask, “How about me? I’m already on the edge of the cliff. Didn’t you notice how difficult for me to hang in there?

If you are in this situation, is it still worth enduring?

Out of my head

I was browsing through my old blog entries when I ended up to this post: Random me: the freakygra ambition.

I turned 27 this year. Thru God’s grace, I was able to finally finish my MA degree last May. It feels so good fulfilling your dreams, one step at a time.  There are soooo many thoughts in my head lately: Should I pursue teaching in the Academe? Should I pursue my license for RPm? Should I enroll for a Doctoral Program? Should I engage myself in activities not related in the field of Psychology, say Music or Culinary or Photography? Should I look for a better job?

I know God has greater plans for my life so I am praying and patiently waiting where He’ll lead me.

For now, I’ll stop ranting about love. I hope the Relapse entry below would be the last. I received an eye-opener message from a good friend after I posted that entry, hope he wouldn’t mind if I post it here? I’m pretty sure you will see this entry. “KJ”, Let me know if you want to take this down.

hello my little sister,
i feel you. been there in a somewhat one sided relationship from my past.
it wasn’t a very beautiful thing that i experienced but had no one to blame but myself.
if i were in your place, the only way for you to move on is to tell the person. however, would you be able to accept should he reject you? remember, the past couple of years that both of you have been together, and yet he doesn’t seem to notice you, there is a high probability that he is really just not interested with you. that may seem harsh but these are the words you needed to hear in order for you to have a grasp of reality and move on.
you are not holding on to something best for you. you are simply SETTLING FOR SECOND BEST, and you do not deserve that.
give yourself credit.
you are a beautiful and amazing woman. you have a great sense of humor and so much passionate about your ambitions.
would you throw those all away to someone who might not appreciate your true nature and the love that is bursting from your heart?
how long have you been waiting for the universe to show you a sign or just something to show that there is a slightest chance for love? have you been holding it in your hand ever so tightly for such a long period of time that your hand starts to bleed?
that is not love. that is pain and desperation.
learn to let go. time has come for you to confront him, tell him about your feelings, and if he rejects you, then cry. but this time, let that be the last and final chapter of this story.
tell me honestly, even if he accepts you, do you honestly believe that he is the one for you? do your goals in life match? is he into commitment? does he love God as much as your love for Him?

5 stages of grief (denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance)
denial
this is when you begin to deny your feelings for the guy, which obviously isn’t where you are at right now
anger
this is either geared towards yourself for acting stupid, or for the guy for being so dense and blind and just ignorant of your presence
bargaining
you begin to think, maybe i should wait for the right time? maybe i should ask for a sign? maybe i should just be happy loving him and ask nothing in return? sounds familiar? because this is where you are right now.
depression
this is where the ultimate confession has been made. all card are laid on the table. all your questions have been answered like does he love me? and he tells you straight in the face and says NO. you have arrived at a point that you pity yourself, you feel sad being rejected.
acceptance
finally, the best stage of all. accepting that there is more to life than finding the right man. you can shift your emotions and focus on other things. let go and let God do the work.

you know what? your feelings for this guy isn’t growing. it is your desperation that is growing. how can you consider this to be love when it hurts so much.
love is something that inspires you to be better. it isn’t just a feeling or a moment. it is supposed to change your life.
i apologize if my words hurt you. i do not like sugar coating them to make the other feel better.
but do remember….you deserve only the best in what life has to offer. do not settle for 2nd best just to have it.

poor analogy: i do not buy cheap lens. i buy nikon lens. they are expensive, i know but it will last me for such a long time. so what do i do? i save money in order to buy the best.

life application: you wait. believe me, setting for the wrong person is worse than having no one to share your love and life with.

do take care, my little sister.

There there. So from today onward, I’ll be better. If I’ll be having a relapse again, please paki batukan ako!

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication, it was hard to find

Don’t matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you’re sad then it’s time you spoke up too

Excerpt from Out Of My Head song by Fastball.

Protect my heart, Heavenly Father. Your love is better than anybody else’s.