When everything is so blurry; and all you have to do is to stop, wipe the tears from your eyes, and head on again driving. Sigh. I hate being alone like this. All my heartaches creeping in my head.
You wouldn’t know you are strong not until that’s the only thing you could do for your loved ones.
I can’t sleep because I need to watch her. Holding her hand, watching her sleep while tears rolling down in my face.
She’s been talking and crying in her sleep, uttering suppressed emotions. Only if I could take the pain and worries away from her. I will. I will. Just give me your worries so you could sleep at ease. I will take away all your pains.
18 April 2016. 5:43 am
I booked a Grab earlier today when I went to the venue of the hearing relative to the car accident I had last month. Kuya driver asked me what transpired & so I told him what happened. Road victim.
That’s the start. We’ve exchanged road experiences & life’s frustrations. Then he said, “Ganyan talaga ma’am. ‘Wag kang mapapagod sa buhay. Kapit lang. E kamusta ka? Kamusta ka ngayon?”
I can’t help but tears just fell off my eyes. That – “Kamusta ka?” – reached my heart.
Kuya driver may be a stranger but he reached what I’ve been hiding even with myself.
The only message I needed to hear to let me know that somebody’s out there – willing to ask how am I and is ready to listen with my rants, without biases and prejudice.
I am going through a lot right now. I haven’t been sharing to anyone my life’s issue which is going on for the past 6 months.
People who are relatively close to me may not notice it because as much as I can, I am containing my emotions. I don’t want other people to see me broken beyond repair. So every day, I wear my happy face & jolly personality to hide the pain in my heart.
But for all you know, I want to scream. I want to scream what’s in my mind & all the pains in my heart. But I can’t. I just can’t.
And it bothers me. It is killing me. I can figuratively feel the synapses from the neurotransmitters in my brain.
My irregular sleeping pattern worsen. My eating behavior changed. I usually eat a lot but lately, I can’t even finish a half cup of rice.
I work over time so I can easily find Mr. Sleep when I get home. But no. Frustrations attack me during the idle times of mornight.
I want to move out. I really want to. But my conscience is telling me otherwise.
Tonight marks the first week. It is painful. It is really painful. Relying on myself. Crying by myself.
15 April 2016.
It is when you share your passion & life’s experiences to the young ones. It feels so “Tita” HAHA!
Kidding aside, internship is one of the crucial stages of one’s career development. One step closer to the battle field. One step closer to reality. I usually tell our student interns that in the work setting, you have to be assertive not agressive; confident but not being too overfamiliar; passionate & driven but not workaholic; smart worker not a hard worker; and lastly, working without missing the fun.
Okay. Now I need to remind myself of these factors. I’m slowly losing some of them.
Our passion and dedication overpowers the craziness of this company.
“They don’t know what we’re doing because they’re busy with what they are doing.” -PYV
“Parang alkansya lang yan, maingay kapag walang laman.” -AEJ
January 17, 2016. Fisher Mall, Quezon City.
DCPH’s (Die-cast Car Collectors of the Philippines) 1st swap meet for the year. My first hauling for the year. Didn’t know these group exists until facebook led me to their page. How could I not thank God for knowing this group? And I’ve also known few people who can help me find my die-cast needs. T’was nice meeting these men – sharing our kind of interest. ‘Til the next DCPH event! : )
Sabi nila Walang Forever. But who cares, you’ve got a LIFETIME TOGETHER.
“It was like a labyrinth, and I got lost when I was searching my way out.”
DEEP. I got this text message from A friend last night. He can’t find his way out of the studio. He could have used the term ‘maze’ instead. Lol
The moment I read the word labyrinth – it lingered on my mind & reflected on it. My friend & I were both attending a necrological service, so I had a double dose of reflection about life & my own mortality.
We are all experiencing a labyrinth of our own lives.
I remember when I was younger, my mom used to enrol me to different alternative classes during summer break. I had swimming, piano, & ballet lessons. Then we used to go ice skating & bowling every other day. At that point, I was figuring out what my special skill/talent is.
I only learned basics in my swimming lessons. The waters scared the hell out of me.
I was not able to attend my first piano recital. Blaaah. I used to have stage frights then. I was under my instructor at Yamaha at first, then our Church’s Deacon followed through. Then I stopped. I easily got frustrated of myself.
Just the same, I was not able to attend my first ballet recital. I was so scared of the audience. And I can’t even give a perfect split!! So I stopped.
I did not have a formal ice skating lessons but I used to skate every other day. I enjoyed this activity a lot! It felt so magical dancing on the ice!
Then I usually pinch hit with my dad, brother & uncle with their bowling lessons.
During those times, I was so lost. I wasn’t able to finish the course of my alternative classes. The activities & expectators gave me a huge fright. I envied other kids who were so cool & bold.
During gradeschool & highschool, I used to be the class president & my classmates call me Ate (elder sister). This experience honed me to initiate over tasks & lead the class whenever needed. So I thought of, maybe God gave me this gift: leadership. I may not be skilled with sports and performing arts, but maybe yes on this one. I was appointed as class president again during college.
I can say that these experiences strengthened my skills in dealing & coordinating with different people.
Choice of degree for college. I used to like culinary arts before but when our Youth Pastor handed me his Psychology & Counseling book, it gave me a different insight. So I applied for BS Psychology as my first choice & AB Communication Arts as my second choice – both from the Maroon & Yellow universities in the country. I got in the Yellow team & pursued Psychology.
There are a lot of CA degree holders wishing to work with tv stations, independent movie producers and the like. I had a degree in Psych but I got in for a work in this field – broadcasting/performing arts. I may not pursued CA back in college but I had the best of both fields: HR/Admin work + CA environment. I got lost when choosing a degree in college but the Unmoved Mover of my life lead me to where I am now.
Masteral. Clinical or Industrial? I am driven to pursue Clinical. But my working experience is with the Industrial setting. I practically pursued Industrial & was able to finish my degree.
Those were the complexities of my labyrinth for the past 2 decades of my life. If it were a maze game, I already surpassed Stage 1 and 2. Going on to Stage 3.
Stage 3: I am struggling but I am holding on. Despite the recent stressors I am facing everyday, I am forever grateful that God never loses his favor on me.
I am facing irregularities. Lost to my own feelings & emotions. Lost to my own aspirations.
The person I REALLY like & praying for – OR – … .
To stay with my current profession – OR – to explore more.
Board review – OR – Doctoral.
Continue my drums lessons – OR – try ukulele.
I am forever grateful though. Grateful for what I have now & for all the blessings. As what I’ve written in my prayer journal: Adventures. Contentment. Success.
We all have our own complexities in our labyrinth of life but as long as we have goals and we laid it all in faith, prayers, and petitions, we can overcome and we will be victorious!
Let me have an analogy from my friend’s word, and thank you for inspiring me to ponder on this thought:
Life is a labyrinth – there will be different paths & you will get lost while searching. Head on. Gear up & focus. Enjoy the bumpy ride. Finish each stage at a time. There will definitely be a beautiful outcome. As what it is written in the book of Ecclesiastes 3:11 – For He has made everything beautiful in its time.